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Where Gonzo Combines Vikings Football With "The A-Team"

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I PITY the FOOL that messes with the V-Team's Van!
I PITY the FOOL that messes with the V-Team's Van!

In 2009, a crack football unit was sent to prison for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Minneapolis underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem. . .if no one else can help. . .and if you can find them. . .maybe you can hire. . .The V-Team.

DUN da DUN. . .da DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN. . .

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's summer blockbuster movie season again. And even though it was only the second-highest grossing movie during its opening week, it's going to be hard for anyone to top the amount of fun that Mrs. Gonzo and I had when we saw The A-Team this past weekend. Obviously, if you go in expecting Citizen Kane or some sort of cinematic tour de force, you're going to walk out disappointed, but it's very easy to enjoy it for what it is. Lots of things blowing up, some very good laughs to be had, Liam Neeson being awesome (because much like Ryan Longwell making field goals, being awesome is what. . .Liam. . .Neeson. . .does), "Rampage" Jackson actually doing a damn fine job as B.A. Baracus, Jessica Biel being. . .wait, Mrs. Gonzo could be reading this. I'll stop there.

But sitting in the theater and watching this movie made me sort of wonder. . .if one team in Minnesota has enough personalities to put together their own sort of A-Team, it would be the Minnesota Vikings. But if such a team were to be assembled, who would comprise it?  Well. . .I think I've got that pretty much figured out.

Colonel John "Hannibal" Smith - Brett Favre

What, you were expecting Jamarca Sanford?

But on the V-Team, there's nobody better equipped for the role of the old greybeard than. . .well, the old greybeard. Once the bullets start flying, there are few people you'd rather have in charge of your operations than No. 4. He's proven that time and time again. You may think that his plans sound a little crazy, but in the end, things seem to work out more often than not for these two gentlemen and the bands of merry men that they lead into battle.

And the way Favre got to Minnesota, making Ted Thompson look like a fool and spending a year in exile in New York before getting to the team he wanted to play for all along. . .what can I say?  I love it when a plan comes together.

Lieutenant Templeton "Faceman" Peck - Percy Harvin

Of the four roles on the V-Team, this is the one I definitely had the most trouble with, and I pondered it for a while before it finally dawned on me. Face is the kind of guy that fills whatever role the team asks him to fill whenever it's necessary. Sure, he might be thought of as a con man, but I prefer to think of him as a master of disguise, and he's seemingly everywhere all the time.

Sounds a lot like Percy Harvin, doesn't it?  You want him to be a running back?  Percy Harvin can be a running back. Need a guy to line up out wide at receiver?  Percy Harvin can do that. How's about somebody to line up in the slot?  Harvin might be the most dangerous slot receiver in the league. He'll even go back and be a Pro Bowl-caliber kick returner, if that's what the situation calls for. Yes, Percy Harvin is on the V-Team for the same reason that Face is on the A-Team, and that's the level of versatility that they bring to the table.

Captain H.M. Murdock - Jared Allen

Watching The A-Team as a child, everyone's favorite character where I grew up seemed to be B.A. Baracus. But with all due respect to Mr. T., I was always more of a Murdock guy. Sure, he was someone that appeared to be several fries short of a Happy Meal, but you knew that underneath the crazy exterior and the bravado that there was a highly skilled, highly prepared individual. He's the sort of guy that you were certainly happy to be fighting with rather than against.

That's pretty much the same way I view Jared Allen. We know the guy is loud, we know the guy is a bit cocky. . .but Allen has every right to be both of those things. He's without peer as a 4-3 defensive end in the National Football League, and that's because nobody works harder than he does. And if you want proof that he's crazy, you could ask the guy that thought it would be a good idea to hurl a disgusting name at Allen's fiance. I mean, you could, if he wasn't over there in the corner, curled up in the fetal position while simultaneously sucking his thumb and wetting himself.

Sergeant Bosco Albert "B.A." Baracus - Kevin Williams

See, I originally had Pat Williams in this spot, because when you think of a big guy that talks a lot and causes a lot of damage when he gets on a role, Phat Pat is generally the guy that comes to mind. But, in a bit of the movie that diverges a bit from the television series. . .and this is a bit of a spoiler, which I'll apologize for up front. . .B.A. takes a bit of a pacifist turn, and needs to have something trigger him back into being the unstoppable bad-ass that everybody knows him as.

When you hear Kevin Williams talk, he's pretty soft-spoken, and seems to be relatively well-mannered. But as soon as you get him on a football field, he becomes an unstoppable force. Quite possibly the best all-around player in the NFL at his position, many offensive linemen have been the fools charged with blocking No. 93 on every snap. . .but does KW pity them?  No, he does not. I'm not sure if Kevin Williams has a fear of flying or not, but he is definitely the muscle of the V-Team unit.

How's about you folks out there?  If you were forming a "V-Team" of current Vikings' players, who would you choose?  Feel free to mock, reminisce, or discuss the various permutations below!

Photographs by Micah Taylor, clairity, and Fibonacci Blue used in background montage under Creative Commons. Thank you.